Ballad of the Victimized

Dear Attacker,

I hide from inviting smiles

Betrayed by predators’ lustful eyes;

But why does it feel so good to have a sweaty weight

Pressing into me the most delightful, painful memory?

An enticing drug laced with flashback and regret,

Catalyzing the painful minutes after

When I sit naked in the bathroom and cry.

It was you that did this.

Your curious eyes, your unsure body

Exploring and navigating

Taking what wasn’t yours,

What was never really mine.

I can still hear your mocking laughter

Each night as I talk myself to sleep,

Listening carefully that your 2 am footsteps

Never make it to my door again.

Dear Mother,

I do it all for you

To make you proud

Every morning I choke down a suicidal dose of emptiness

Because what mother deserves two fucked up kids?

I do it all for you

To become your perfect life-size Barbie

Eager to be everything,

To meet each of your unrealistic expectations,

Hoping that one day

When you wake up

You’ll remember that you have a daughter.

Hoping that one day

You’ll remove the courtroom from your blinded eyes

And you will see

That my plastic has scars and bruises

And that your hateful words are etched into my skin.

Self-consumed, worthless, piece of shit.

BITCH.

I do it all for you

So that one day when you see me

You’ll see what you’ve done to me.

Dear Attacker,

I am a prisoner

My body is a jail cell

A breeding ground for insecurity

I am a prisoner,

Chained by the mistakes other people made out of me

Dear Mother,

I am not perfect,

I am a cut out paper doll

Not good enough to be plastic

I am not perfect,

But I’m your daughter.